hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
