took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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