I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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