I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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