I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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