i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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