i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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