the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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