you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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