From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
