Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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