I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
