she looked like the before picture.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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