If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
