My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Randomize
