i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
