You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
