Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
