I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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