You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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