the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
