We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
