you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
