Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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