Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
