oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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