Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
