Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
