I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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