so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
