my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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