I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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