you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
