So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
