if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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