hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
