i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
