Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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