I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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