I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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