this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
