don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
