Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
