I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
