12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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