she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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