She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Two words: blizzard sex
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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