I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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