You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
