I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
