Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
