Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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