I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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