Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
